Drunk stories, they always tend to happen to us when we least expect it. Think about one of those nights where you unexpectedly go out for a drink with a friend. Ending up with your face on the street, or worse. The next morning is pure agony, not knowing what went down that night. And if you do remember it, you probably wish you didn’t. Unfortunately, those things happen more often to me than I’d like, and this resulted in some good stories that are worth telling you about.
Thailand's dark side
What would you do if you woke up in a puddle of blood with Asian lips around your dick and the stench of death in the room of a Thai hostel? Don’t worry, this is not a confession of how I killed a Thai hooker during a blowjob but, after finding out what happened, I was closer to committing a horrible crime than I’ve ever been before.
Again Thailand, the country where all the stupid things in my life tend to happen. I could write a book about all the crazy shit that I’ve experienced there.
It all sounds so romantic when you read about the country. White beaches, beautiful surroundings and the perfect honeymoon location. All true, although there’s also a different side to all this beauty. This probably doesn’t count for the “taking care of everything tourists” but the deep going travelers like myself will agree that Thailand has a dark and nasty side that swallows you up in the blink of an eye and spits you out on the street the next morning like the piece of disgusting slime you are.
This story is about me, diving into the dirty dark side of Pattaya, Thailand. The place where neon, sex, booze and ladyboys surround you day and night. The place that turns law abiding, well-educated and socially accepted human beings in wild, drunk, sex-driven animals. It’s a nasty story, one that’s not for the faint hearted and weak among us. However, I do believe that this could’ve happened anywhere and that there will be many more “real” Thailand stories to read from people that have been even deeper into Thailand’s sex capitol than I did. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this one.
Chasing women at a Pattaya bar
How hard is it to find a girl for the night in Thailand? Not that hard, trust me. There’s plenty for everyone. Chicks grey and old but, mostly young and fit who are trained up to perfection to seduce you and take your money in any way they can think of.
Not really the kind of person for one-night stands in dirty hotel beds? Be warned, Thailand doesn’t give a shit about who you are and what your principles may be. Your strength will be tested without a doubt. Many men with a healthy mindset have walked this path before you and many of them will agree that Pattaya is a rough place to stay true to yourself.
After two days of hanging around in the Bamboo bar in Pattaya with my Australian buddy Kenneth, trouble hit me again. Kenneth was much like me, a man of the nightlife, always on the hunt for a good score. We shared good nights together in bars and dirty clubs and like almost every Ozzy, he was not afraid to get wasted and participate in stories worth telling your grandchildren. He was a party animal, always down for an adventure in paradise.
The exotic beauties were hanging around us again that night. Asking, no, begging us for drinks and attention. It’s common in Thailand for girls to hang around you in bars where they try to make you feel like a king in the club. Trying to make you buy them overpriced drinks, so they can earn commission over it.
The night before we met a girl that was keen on meeting us again the next day. A strange thing for us because we didn’t buy her any drinks that night. She bought her own and apparently just liked to hang around with us. She was friendly, weird and ugly all at once but, for some reason it was still a girl I would take home for the night. It might have been the alcohol thinking at that point. At least we had a chick with us that was funny and didn’t cost us anything. Besides that, she kept the expensive girls away from us, win-win situation if you ask me.
A night to never forget
At the end of the second evening, after enough warm and watery Chang beer, the moment came to call it a night. Apparently, me paying the bill was seen by her as an invite and soon she told me that she would go back too and stay with me for the night.
Well, who in their right drunk mind would say no to that? Not me al least. Time to leave Kenneth to himself and take this girl for a spin.
I remember being so happy earlier that I booked a private room for my stay in the city. However, that happiness was soon gone when I found out that a private room was interpreted as an unventilated room with a bunkbed, barely big enough for myself. For that reason, the shower was the first place to start misbehaving.
Mistakes you only make once
I haven’t figured out yet why Thai women insist on having a shower before having sex. it’s like wiping your ass before taking a shit, it’s pointless
When the cleaning ritual was finally done, it was time to get nasty again. She wasn’t the best-looking chick but, she was free of charge and horny, so I turned off the lights and pretended she was beautiful. Big mistake number one…
I will save you most of the details of the next 3 minutes. Just believe me when I say that Thai women go all the way, and so do I. A simple missionary position doesn’t exist in paradise, these women can bend and break in every possible way you can imagine and when that happens you don’t have much choice but to let them do their trick. That’s how I soon ended up with my face between the thighs of my hookup. Big mistake number two…
The next morning, I woke up by the sunshine cooking my face and soft Asian lips around my dick. Normally not the worst way to wake up on your holiday destination but, this was not that kind of day.
The room was sweltering, sticky and smelled awful. The stench of death and porn filled my nose and lungs while I was trying to wake up and deal with my Chang beer headache. I remembered what happened the previous night, and before I opened my eyes I prayed that her appearance wasn’t worse than what I had in mind, it was bad enough already when I was still intoxicated.
The first thing I witnessed upon opening my eyes was worse than I could’ve ever imagined. My once white pillow was covered with dried up blood stains. Not just a few splatters, no, this was way too much for a nose bleed. The hangover disappeared immediately and was replaced with fear and adrenaline. What the hell happened here last night?
The girl was still doing her thing, I could feel her morning ritual going down under the blanket. At least I didn’t kill her in her sleep, that was a relief. Nevertheless, I still had no idea what DID happen that night.
Time to face the truth
She came up from under the blankets, bewildered by my stressful wakeup. There was confusion, I still had no idea where the blood in the mattress and pillow came from but, when she looked at the mattress and then to me, her face turned white and anxious. It was that exact moment where I realized what happened the hours before.
I jumped out of my disgusting bed and ran straight to the mirror in the bathroom. My nightmare became reality, I made a big mistake, it was the combination of big mistake number one and two that fucked me over. I shouldn’t have turned the lights off before going down between those legs. Better said, my mouth shouldn’t have been anywhere near there.
My face looked like I’d just skinned a living animal with my bare teeth, covered in blood from chin to nose. When I regained my senses, wiped my face and brushed my teeth, it was time to face the truth. The truth was still sitting on the bed, crying in her puddle of human waste. Apparently, she had also figured out who and what went down that night.
My “calming” words weren’t doing any good at this point. It was obvious to her that I didn’t mean a word of what I said to make her stop crying. She knew that all I cared about was a possible STD and a rented bed that looked like a warzone.
Time for her to leave, very soon. My anger and confusion got up to a point of no control. My blood was getting close to boiling while hers was getting cold in my bed sheets.
I guess she didn’t feel safe anymore since the moment of me running to the bathroom. She had already called a motor taxi that was waiting for her in front of the hostel. She left just as quick as she decided to stay with me the previous night, which was better for the both of us. And I still had a bloody mess to deal with back in my room anyway.
Think smart, not hard
Rules of the hostel were that I had to bring back my sheets to reception on checkout. Today was that day, and as you can imagine, that stressed me out even more. How the hell was I going to return this mess without paying the bill for it?
While contemplating the mayhem she left behind, a brilliant idea struck me. Maybe it wasn’t so bad that I was sleeping in a bunkbed after all. This meant that I had a clean set of sheets still on the bed to bring back to reception.
Yes, I know, it’s disgusting to leave those sheets for the next unfortunate soul who booked that room but, at that moment I just wanted to get out of there without any more consequences.
And so, it happened. I changed the dirty sheets to the top bed and covered it up as much as possible. I left the clean sheets at the reception and left as soon as I could, leaving a crime scene behind.
The fun thing about this is that I never heard anything from the hostel about paying for sheets that will never get clean anymore. I did however, hear from the girl the next day telling me she was so sorry about what happened. I was calmed down by then and told her it was ok but that I wouldn’t see her anymore during my time in Pattaya. One night of this shit was enough for me and there was still plenty more meat to discover there.
The end result of an interesting night
By the time I got home from my interesting, disgusting and fun trip, it started to hurt more and more every time I had to take a piss. Thinking back to everything that happened that night, I got seriously scared. This could be a minor STD or maybe just an infection but, what if she had more shit in her body that I don’t want in mine? It’s Thailand after all, not the best place in the world for unsafe sex.
I got myself tested for almost every disease known to men and when the test came back there was nothing but relief. Not because it turned out that she gave me chlamydia that night but because it was just that and nothing worse. Just a small reminder of what went down that night. I did, and it took a long time before getting over my fear of eating pussy again.
I feel truly bad for whoever slept in that bed after me. This is not something I want to do to my fellow travelers. You all deserve a nice place to sleep but, real travelers will hopefully also understand that at some point you run into situations that you need to deal with on the spot. This was one of those moments where there was no other way out. This was an experience I wouldn’t wish to my worse enemy but, it’s also another good story and another lesson learned. Keep on traveling!